December 26, 2011

Another year has flown by! I woke up today determined to turn my attention to Liam and take further steps to journey with him as he shows me the way through autism. I have fliers made seeking volunteers to work with him in his Son-Rise room. I have the materials to begin his multi-sensory therapy. This is something that helps his brain repair and improve. I am going to start a new diet that I truly think I can actually handle. I wanted so badly to do the Body Ecology Diet, but I kept failing to live up to its strict rules. It had me in a cycle of giving my all to start, and losing steam as it progressed. That was the problem. I did not have it in me to do it consistently and this made me feel like a failure as a Mom. It just didn’t fit realistically within the lives of a family with teenage children and a 9-year-old autistic child who already has experience of all the foods he loves that are not allowed on the diet.  It took so much effort to sit there and try to force-feed my children food they did not like. It took a strong will to stay with it myself, and many times I found myself finding one excuse after another to put it on hold (birthdays, Disney trips, Christmas, parties, visiting relatives etc.). I knew in my mind though that I would really have to change something because, doesn’t Liam deserve the best possible chances? I would read and read the posts of the other mothers on the diet message board and see success, but often at the price of such stress. Even after the healing it feels like they are unraveling an onion skin by skin and going deeper into health issues that simply and completely overwhelmed me. I decided that stress around food negates any benefit that may be achieved, especially if I find it too hard to stay consistent with it. I’m not saying that the Body Ecology diet is not a wonderful healing tool, I am just being honest about my abilities to handle it and this I accept about myself. No use continuing to beat myself up (believe me I have done this intensely) anymore. I need to be at peace with my life and live it in a manor I can handle. When you factor in full-time work,  pursuing my master’s degree in forensic accounting full-time, trying to raise 2 other boys as well and running a home it can get quite overwhelming! I need to find what fits and what I can handle and discard  the rest.

I am learning to do just that. I am learning to recognize what to discard. I used to try to control everything! I envisioned Christmas eve day as follows: Marcus and I would get up and go shopping for the boys together, something we never got to do before) We would have lunch and laugh and play trying to find things that would delight our boys.  We would come home and wrap the gifts and make dinner and Tristan and I would get dressed up and go to church in our convertible with the top down. I would take in all the magic of the choir and singing the Christmas carols, I would infuse myself with the spirit of Christmas and what it is really about. Tristan and I would drive home, top down, listening to Christmas music and create yet another memory, a reference point of a year gone by. We would go home and watch Christmas movies together and go to bed to wake up to Christmas morning and the excitement inside of all the pretty packages.

Well this is my vision and you would think after 42 years, I would know better. After getting 5 hours sleep (every night since I can remember) I woke up to Onyx throwing up red Swedish fish vomit in every room that has a carpet. I had just shampooed all the carpets the day before! It took 2 hours to clean. I went to vacuum under the boy’s bed and didn’t see the vomit I missed. All inside my Dyson vacuum! So another hour to take apart the vacuum and clean it.  11:00 and it is time to go shopping only Marcus who just had excruciating dental work is not feeling good, so I take Tristan with me and we go to Sweet Tomatoes for lunch and then shop for the few missing items I planned for presents for Liam and Julian. It was 90 degrees and the mall of course was crowded to the point where the one store, Hollister, that I wanted to go to most to get Julian some clothes had a line wrapped around the store so long I think  would have been 2 hours to check out. I put the clothes down and walked out. I took Tristan home and went to Sports Authority to find him some Rollerblades which I knew he would be happy with and surprised by. I came home at 5:o0 exhausted and overwhelmed. My house was not clean enough, I did not cook yet and was not ready for church. I went down into Liam’s Son-Rise room and sat there exhausted watching Christmas movies as I slowly wrapped presents. No church, no cooking! I told Julian to put a pizza in the oven and there was dinner!

Marcus came downstairs with Liam and the boys even though we never let them see the presents until Christmas morning. He said, ” I want you boys to see all this an look at your Mom and thank her, without her you would get a check for Christmas and me in bed. We all love you Mommy and thank you for all you do.” It was sweet!

I went upstairs and cleaned the house as best I could. The boys carried the presents upstairs and put them under the tree. It looked so beautiful. I loved being able to see them there the night before. Even Liam wanted to wait to morning to open them!

My point to all this is that I am learning to let it all go and go with the flow. Things did not go as planned for sure so I just readjust. Pizza is fine on Christmas eve. It is okay to not go to church if it is too stressful to try to get there. It is okay for the kids to see the presents under the tree the night before. It is okay to let Marcus rest, much needed, to try to recover. It was okay to walk out of Hollister and not buy the two shirts I had in my hand.  It was all okay and all magical! I had a great Christmas. I opened my heart to what was, rather than trying to control the outcome of everything and force it into alignment of my preconceived expectations. I think this is a great new perception to apply going into the new year especially with Liam. I am going to be open to let this Son-Rise journey unfold. I will eagerly anticipate the sweet surprises it will bring as we laugh and play together. I will let the diet come into our lives and appreciate the good it does for our bodies. I guess in a sense I am truly letting go and letting God….

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