February 15, 2011

Okay, I have this awesome website and I am supposed to be sharing all the information I have learned as I apply it. And Liam is supposed to come out of autism and grow up happy and healthy. I have a ton of information (overload) running through my mind on a constant basis. I have been to 2 Son-Rise training courses and while I know in my heart they are the key as to what is needed here, I am stuck and afraid.  I am not going into the playroom with him and I don’t know why.  All I have to do is go in for as many hours a day as possible and play and for some reason, I do not know yet, I am completely scared to do so. I am scared to find out I don’t want to play. I am scared that although many other parents are going full force with their programs and succeeding, I am holding back. God knows I love my child so deeply, so why am I not eager to go into Son-Rise?  His behaviors now are challenging me now more than ever before at a level I am so scared that it simply can not evolve in intensity or I will lose him. He gets scissors, screwdrivers and pliers or anything he can find to pry the locks off the windows. He hangs out his body unaware of the tipping point at which he will fall. He runs along the balcony edge, with such good balance. Every time I pray fiercely as I try to get out the window out to him quick enough to grab him.  It is an adrenaline rush every time and it leaves me exhausted. Right now I have to go pick him up from school and I am scared of the ride home. He might open the doors while I am driving and/or get out of his seat.  Yesterday I left him with the boys to run to Lowes to buy more window locks as he pulled some off the third floor window and threw them out. He got out of the house and ran down the street naked and the boys chased him. I don’t know how many times I will be so lucky. I don’t know how much longer I can protect him from himself. I am scared. But I love him. He constantly talks about falling down from heights and dying. What am I supposed to say to that? “Thats nice dear?” I found a website that sells harnesses and I am going to get  one to help the situation a little, or at least help me deal with it. I can’t help but feeling there is an underlying issue here that needs to be addressed. I can tie him up, harness him, hold his hand, buckle him in, as much as I want. For the one second I am not looking he will run. So how to address the inevitable? On the website for the harnesses I saw an adult wearing one and it made me sad. Could this be Liam? Am I really in for a lifetime of this? Will his autism change, will he change? I can only dare to hope, as I know when I begin to feel hopeless I just want to give up and not deal with anything. It gets so raw and painful .  When I do feel this way however it is hard to see my way out of it. I walk around like a robot and try to do all the things I am supposed to do and wait to feel better, more optimistic. I know this is not the way to be in Son-Rise. It has to come from a place of joy. Can I find this joy and sustain it? I am certainly going to try. It seems Son-Rise would provide a solution to it all. He would be in a safe room all day long, being loved and played with. He would grow and possibly leave autism behind like so many other children have done.

So what am I to do when I feel this overwhelmed? I picked him up from school and put him in the front seat with the suitcase strap wrapped around the seat and his leg. This worked and he minimally grabbed at the buttons. He came home and did his usual routine of trying to open the windows by removing locks with whatever he could find, his latest pens.  I made him a green smoothie and quinoa pancakes. I put gaba in his smoothie and it seems to calm him down some.  Upon doing a little research I found that gaba works in calming some children and helps them sleep better. It is also supposedly helpful for anxiety. Some take it as a replacement for Xanex, as it does not have the addictive factor.  We went to go get the boys at school and he did pretty good in the car again.  I brought the boys to their MMA class and took Liam to the park. He played happily and we took a walk by the lake as the sun set. I find Okeeheelee park to be one of the most healing places for me. It is so beautiful and peaceful. When we got in the car to leave, Liam asked for spaghetti for dinner. I kept saying no, it is not good for your belly. He screamed and cried a lot of tears. You can tell when his yeast is desperate for feeding.  I stayed firm and said no every time he asked. When I picked up the boys at MMA, it took all my will not to go into 5 guys burgers and fries, as I too am dealing with cravings like you would not believe. I am trying to get back to the Body Ecology Diet and that means no sugar or simple carbs.  I do know that when I follow the diet, I feel really good and energetic. Perhaps the energy I need to go into that playroom and play with enthusiasm.  I wanted to give in so badly,but I stayed away, came home and made salmon and veggies with brown rice. It came out really good. I bargained with Liam to eat 10 bites and I would make him an omelet with hot-dog in it.  So here I am at the end of a long day. Liam is sleeping. As I look back I feel good that I pulled myself out of that slippery slope that can lead to depression and apathy. I know I am simply tired as well. We do not sleep enough and I am sure that affects our ability to stay positive and energetic. Liam’s energy far exceeds ours put together. I have no choice but to get as healthy as possible, and generate more for myself.

I question whether or not I should really be sharing such truth, as it is not always pretty. But somewhere deep down I know we all go through our struggles and have the ability to heal the parts of ourselves that lead to a more peaceful life. Today I had the choice to wallow,give up, be angry and I chose to follow what felt better and that began with hope that ways will come to me that I can keep Liam safe. It began with knowing I have to do what is not easy right now and that is not go to one more fast-food restaurant, but cook healthy foods that will help Liam.  I don’t know when I will be ready to really begin Son-Rise, but I know it is soon. I am actively looking for volunteers as this is a crucial part. I am praying the right loving people come my way to help me give this to Liam.

I really do feel overloaded with information right now as there is so much to navigate out there! I am really thinking as with all things in life there is simply not one way only to reach one’s goal whatever that may be. It is the same with Autism. There are many therapies, biomedical interventions, supplements, diets etc which all hold the potential for recovering one’s child. The trick is weeding through and recognizing what fits for your family and child.  On top of discerning what will actually work is coming up with the funds to pay for it.  Right now I choose to give him green powder drinks every day, vitamins, cod liver oil, gaba, lutimax and as much healthy food as possible. There are so many things I want to try for him but for now this is where we are at. I just realized that most of my anxiety over it all is losing sight of the idea that it is all about the journey, not the outcome.  I can look ahead and see a harness on an adult or I can look at now with Liam in a harness grateful that it keeps him safe and allows him to move a little more freely. I can imagine it as a string from my heart to his where my love pours out of me, travels down the strap and surrounds his heart keeping him safe.

I don’t know what tomorrow will bring but for today I am at peace again.  I share this honestly because I want others to know that it is okay to not be perfect. It doesn’t mean you will not succeed and to deny one’s negative feelings will only bury them deeper for them to resurface in other ways.  I love my little boy, I love my family. We might all be tired having to be so vigilant, but I trust in God that this is a gift and a blessing.

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