February 6, 2010

It has been a challenging few weeks to say the least. I have my moments where I feel I can not do this any longer. I promised to share all the moments even if they are not happy and optimistic. It is the truth and I know we as autism parents go through this.  Liam is in a public school in an autism classroom and I love his class and teachers.  Despite his behavioral issues (spitting, hitting, running, climbing), he is learning so much! I can only imagine where he can go if I can get on the healing diet and calm him down some, and healing whatever is inside him causing his obsessive compulsive behavior.  The scary thing that has me under so much stress is his safety issues which are happening more frequently. He is opening the car door while I am driving  repeatedly. I have him in a car-seat with a combo lock strap around him and he can get out of this in about 10 seconds. I have time to reach back to grab him when I see this is happening, but this is not exactly the safest scenario as I am driving, nor is shutting his door behind me. I called Mercedes to confirm if there was any way to set a child lock and there is not.  We can not buy another car just yet, but we are hoping to soon.  At home he is figuring out ways to get the locks I have on all the windows off. He used scissors like pliers to turn them. So now we hide the keys, the scissors and the wrench.  He climbed out our second floor living room window and climbed onto the balcony the other day. I could not get through the window to get to him,  so I had to go upstairs and get the hidden key to get out there and pray he didn’t fall as he was running along the ledge fearlessly. I am so lucky he is okay.  This all takes a toll on me emotionally, combined with the lack of sleep and I pretty much acted like Mommy Dearest today! I try not to drive with him alone in the car but I have to when I pick him up from school and pick up his brothers. He knows it gets to me so he opens the door and laughs repeating “want to run away”.  Liam is what they call a ‘runner’. I was googling this and trying to find solutions today and unfortunately there is not much out there to solve my car problem. I can only pray that the diet will have an effect as will Son-Rise.  I am trying to pull together volunteers to get his Son-Rise program going. I have 4 yeses as from people willing to play with him. 

Another big stress is trying to do figure out which supplements, therapies, and food choices would benefit him most. Marcus and I do not exactly see eye to eye as he is a little more skeptical that anyof it works at all. He doesn’t understand why it has to cost so much for food, but I know better. I have done the research, and I followed my instincts. This diet is right for him, but it is very expensive to do correctly. It averages about 400-500 weekly if you do it right.  I have to pick and choose which items are most important as I simply can not do this at this time.  I make cultured veggies, coconut kefir, and try to buy meats that are hormone and antibiotic free. Best would be grass-fed meats but for now they are too expensive. Everything you buy in a standard supermarket costs at least double or triple for a gluten-free casein-free version.  I have not been able to really get the diet rolling on a consistent basis, but given his more dangerous and challenging behavior I am faced with simply having to. 

I have had my ups and downs in all this and this week was certainly rock-bottom for me emotionally. I almost felt like giving up. That is not an option and it occurred to me that the reason I am so down about it is that I am not looking to the optimistic outcome that is there waiting for me (him recovered). When I turn away from this I feel sad. I listen to Abraham-Hicks for many years now and they talk about law of attraction and how it all works. Our negative emotions are simply indicators that we are not following our bliss.  When I give up and fall into frustration and sadness I am not lining up with the outcome I desire.  I believe this is how prayer works. I believe in affirmative prayer. If you have faith in what you are praying about, it will come to you.  I also believe in the power of intention on behalf of others. Call it prayer, visioning, affirmations etc. I believe that if all who read this simply see the best outcome and unfolding of this journey with Liam, it will help it be so.  I ask you all to see it happening, see me able to provide for him all he needs and I will do my best to believe in it also.  If anyone has any ideas or knowledge of products that will keep him safer in the car, I would greatly appreciate it.

He is running around the living-room, jumping from couch to couch, throwing pillows, yelling and happy.  He runs into the kitchen to steal food that he shouldn’t have. There are tortilla chips in there and he is eating them. Tomorrow they will no longer be there. I am going to begin the diet without training wheels that motivator foods provided me. Eat this salad Liam and you can have chips. The motivator foods became a crutch. They feed his yeast, contribute to hyperactivity and compulsive behavior. It is not easy to take them away but I owe it him to do what in the beginning will be difficult but down the road has the potential to be miraculous. I often find myself wanting to cry at how difficult it is to deal with food and not be able to buy anything other than from the perimeter of the supermarket. I watch other mothers innocently put all the standard foods in their cart as Liam is screaming for cereal, or cookies . It is an ordeal sometimes, but I imagine as I go further into it, we won’t miss those foods and we will be blessed with healing. That is my plan. I will continue to share as it unfolds.

until next time,

a tired but hopeful Mommy

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